Love & friends · 16 questions

Attachment styles and closeness check

Think of one important person and reflect on feelings of anxiety and closeness in your relationship through 16 questions.

How this result is calculated

This original check helps organise how you experience a relationship. It does not provide a medical diagnosis, identify childhood causes or trauma, or assess the other person’s personality. It is not an official attachment scale.

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When the person replies more slowly than usual, I wonder whether our relationship has changed.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

When I have a problem, I want to carry it alone rather than rely on this person.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

Even when we cannot meet for a while, I can continue to feel connected.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

I can tell this person about vulnerable parts of myself within the limits of what I can share.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

Even a small difference of opinion makes me wonder whether the person might move away from me.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

When asked about my feelings in detail, I want to change the subject.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

When the person wants time alone, I rarely interpret it as diminished feelings for me.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

Even when the person helps me, I rarely feel that I lose my sense of self.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

Even after hearing that I am valued, I want to check again after a while.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

The closer the relationship becomes, the more I want distance to protect my own space.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

Even if we pause a discussion, I rarely feel the relationship will end.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

I find it fairly easy to discuss my needs with this close person.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

I readily consider whether a brief remark means the person’s feelings for me have diminished.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

When we disagree, I want to reduce involvement rather than explain.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

When our schedules do not match, that alone rarely makes me feel rejected.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

I have little hesitation discussing how to balance my own plans and our time together.

Not at all true of me
Not very true of me
Neither / unsure
Somewhat true of me
Very true of me

Answers suggesting room for both reassurance and space

In the relationship you imagined, both anxiety about losing connection and the wish to distance yourself from intimacy fell in the lower bands. You may feel able to come closer when needed and also have time alone. This does not prove the relationship is always safe or free of problems. Keeping a habit of checking each other’s wishes and difficulties may help when circumstances change.

Answers suggesting reassurance with adjustable closeness

In the relationship you imagined, anxiety about losing connection was lower, while the wish for distance from intimacy fell in the central band. You may trust the person while varying closeness with the topic or situation. A central score does not necessarily mean a constant moderate level; it may average differences between situations. Separating what you can discuss easily from what needs time may help.

Answers suggesting a wish to preserve your own space

In the relationship you imagined, anxiety about losing connection was lower and the wish for distance from intimacy was higher. Protecting your own decisions and sphere of life may contribute to your current sense of security. Needing time to think alone is not itself treated as a problem. When taking distance, sharing why and when you may be able to talk next can reduce misunderstanding.

Answers suggesting closeness while checking connection

In the relationship you imagined, anxiety about losing connection was central and the wish for distance from intimacy was lower. You may be relatively comfortable sharing feelings but want reassurance after certain events. The central score alone cannot show which situations bring anxiety. Looking at concrete triggers such as messages, changed plans or disagreements can make things clearer.

Answers inviting a closer look at differences between situations

In the relationship you imagined, both anxiety and the wish for distance fell in the central bands. Situations where you want closeness and those where you want to think calmly alone may be mixed together. This category cannot establish a “secure” or “insecure” type. Instead of relying only on averages, review which answers were hard to choose and which events you imagined to help identify a next step.

Answers suggesting careful choices about closeness

In the relationship you imagined, anxiety about losing connection was central and the wish for distance from intimacy was higher. You may value the relationship while carefully choosing how far to rely on the person and what to share. The distance you need varies by person and situation. Rather than aiming for closeness by force, distinguish one small wish you can safely express from a boundary you want to protect now.

Answers suggesting a wish to confirm connection

In the relationship you imagined, anxiety about losing connection was higher and the wish for distance from intimacy was lower. Because you want involvement, small changes in replies or behaviour may catch your attention. These results alone cannot determine the cause or the person’s feelings. Before checking repeatedly, separating known facts from your wishes may help you communicate your needs concretely.

Answers suggesting a wish for reassurance and choice in closeness

In the relationship you imagined, anxiety about losing connection was higher and the wish for distance from intimacy was central. There may be times you want to talk for reassurance and times you want to step back and think. The average scores cannot reveal that sequence. Rather than rushing to conclusions about the person’s response, distinguish one need at a time: do you want to check something now or rest?

Answers suggesting concern with both connection and distance

In the relationship you imagined, both anxiety about losing connection and the wish for distance from intimacy fell in the higher bands. There may be situations where wanting closeness and wanting to protect yourself arise together. This does not indicate past causes, illness or a fixed attachment type. You do not need to close the distance immediately; explore what fits you through small interactions you can choose safely.

Compare closeness across relationship situations

In the relationship you imagined, both anxiety and the wish for distance scored exactly at the midpoint. Situations where closeness feels safe may coexist with those where you want reassurance or space. This result alone does not establish secure attachment or a fixed type. Including when you chose many neutral answers, reflecting on specific interactions one by one can help you find conditions that feel reassuring to you.